WTF Is Up With all These Lists?
Mimi and I were talking today about the lists she made. I like #100 on her list of things we can’t afford but want, that one rocks, but if you want to know what #100 is, you will have to check it out. So she suggested I make a list, and I flat out told her no. I really do not like lists. I hate muddling through them and dealing with lists in general. Now some specific lists are cool, like Mimi’s lists. You see, Mimi interests me, she’s my wife and when she does a list of “100 Things About Me,” well I want to see what she puts down. I for example did not know that she wrote this dickweed and told him not to call anymore referencing a time he called her and suggested they get “dinner” together. What a pair of brass ones this guy had calling my house and propositioning my wife. But I digress... If you make a list of “100 Places I Fucked Other Than In My Bed” I would probably check it out regardless of who wrote it. I might get some ideas for my own enjoyment. But if you do a list of “My 100 Favorite Songs/Tunes” I would probably skip by it because I know what I like and although I might glance at it to see if our musical interests are remotely in common, I would be more interested in finding the list of “100 Places I Fucked Other Than In My Bed” than sticking around checking out songs.
Now outside of the tedium of lists in general, I do not like lists because, well, in all honesty, they are a pain in the ass. Lists are made to be changed. For example, I have a list of shit I have to do on a daily basis. To follow that list means that I have to do something which is most probably mundane and generally boring, and I have to check the list off to complete it. And the only enjoyment in checking off the list is that it means you are that much closer from being done with your boring mundane day or you are closer to being able to do what you want to do, rather than what other’s want you to do. Now I admit, there are those lists that I make of things to do, but those are generally imposed things that must be done like:
Mow the Lawn
Change Light Bulbs (This is fucking hilarious, I am literally the WORST light bulb changer in the world, ask Mimi!)
Clean (insert whatever here)
Make Dinner
Post naked pics of Mimi
So you get the deal… Well that is a list I maintain mentally when there is shit to do around the house. I try not to make these lists long and the only really enjoyable part is posting pics of Mimi which I have not gotten around to in weeks and months! So lists are a pain in the ass. The other thing about lists are the ones you have to change, like the “My Top10 Hotties.” Well as cool as that list could be, the list fucking changes. I mean seriously, if you made this list in 1982 you might have Bo Derek on the list. Today, she is hot but not a top 10, as there is Elisha Cuthbert now. You might have had Susanna Hoffs back in 1986 but have you seen her today? She is definitely not a top 10 hottie anymore, she can still sing, but definitely not top 10 material, unlike say Laura Harris, she is fucking smoking! And then there is always Naomi Watts, another smoking chick… But unfortunately, when I am 50 they will no longer be hotties, they will get replaced with the future Dakota Fanning’s (not being creepy here, but she is just the cutest little girl, reminds me of my little girl!) of the universe. The upshot… These hottie lists or favorite songs or favorite TV Shows all require work because they fucking change. Man I am way too fucking lazy for that shit. I like things simple. My hottie list consists of only Mimi, that way I cannot ever get in trouble for lusting over some other hottie and it never changes!
Now to be just as hypocritical as Jimmy Swaggart in a brothel I do think I might present you with some lines from movies I think that are funny. But I refuse to characterize this as a list. There will be no numbers, you will hopefully laugh your ass off or at least snicker or chuckle reading these lines. If you don’t then I apologize ahead of time. My sense of humor is a bit dark to say the least, I mean not many people find it funny when a guy gets his head blown off cause they hit a bump in the road even though there was no mutherfucking bump in the road, and the gun just went off… you know what I mean? That is some sick shit when one thinks that is funny, but I do, and I know Mimi does. So there are at least two of us in the world who have some seriously fucked up humor.
Some Funny Lines…
Vincent: I-I gotta stab her three times? Lance: No, you don't gotta fucking stab her three times! You gotta stab her once, but it's gotta be hard enough to break through her breastplate into her heart, and then once you do that, you press down on the plunger. Vincent: What happens after that? Lance: I'm kinda curious about that myself.
_
Chili Palmer: Whew, this movie business is tough. I might just have to go back to loan-sharking for a while to get some vacation.
_
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer] Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini? Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini. Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini. [to Trapper] Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry. [sips from his glass] Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives? Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man? Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line. Trapper John: Yeah but without olives, [reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives - drops one into his glass] Trapper John: a martini just doesn't quite make it. [Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded at the olive]
_
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on. Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this... Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like. Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work. Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires. Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference. Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
_
Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. What the hell's you're problem? Dante Hicks: This life. Randal Graves: This life? Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life? Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better. Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks. Randal Graves: 37
_
Happy Gilmore: You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!
_
[Discussing Vanessa's new senior citizen boyfriend] Vanessa: He has a five year plan. Sonny: What is it? "Don't die"?
_
Ok, so like I said, this is not a list but a few funny scenes from some of my favorite comedies. This is only a sampling of my favorites because I have so many, and there is no ranking, I just pulled these lines as I thought of the movies and the scenes.
So my hopes here are that at the very least you had a chuckle. I purposely did not tell you the movie because you should know which movies they are already (that is rather presumptuous of me and the fact I did not give you the titles already makes me an elitist pretentious movie snob) and if you do not, then you will have something to research and maybe some funny movies to watch. More than likely, if you are reading this blog, you will know the movies and already have the capacity for my brand of humor so there will be no researching for you! I also hope this will give you a break from all my ranting because in fact, I had nothing to rant about last night. I could have come up with a few things, but I wanted to go down the track of humor, especially since Mimi was quite generous last evening before I came into work and I was able to help live out, in part, her blog entry from earlier in the day.
She did end up with cum on her faces and chin and chest…. Gotta love a woman who likes that!
Now outside of the tedium of lists in general, I do not like lists because, well, in all honesty, they are a pain in the ass. Lists are made to be changed. For example, I have a list of shit I have to do on a daily basis. To follow that list means that I have to do something which is most probably mundane and generally boring, and I have to check the list off to complete it. And the only enjoyment in checking off the list is that it means you are that much closer from being done with your boring mundane day or you are closer to being able to do what you want to do, rather than what other’s want you to do. Now I admit, there are those lists that I make of things to do, but those are generally imposed things that must be done like:
Mow the Lawn
Change Light Bulbs (This is fucking hilarious, I am literally the WORST light bulb changer in the world, ask Mimi!)
Clean (insert whatever here)
Make Dinner
Post naked pics of Mimi
So you get the deal… Well that is a list I maintain mentally when there is shit to do around the house. I try not to make these lists long and the only really enjoyable part is posting pics of Mimi which I have not gotten around to in weeks and months! So lists are a pain in the ass. The other thing about lists are the ones you have to change, like the “My Top10 Hotties.” Well as cool as that list could be, the list fucking changes. I mean seriously, if you made this list in 1982 you might have Bo Derek on the list. Today, she is hot but not a top 10, as there is Elisha Cuthbert now. You might have had Susanna Hoffs back in 1986 but have you seen her today? She is definitely not a top 10 hottie anymore, she can still sing, but definitely not top 10 material, unlike say Laura Harris, she is fucking smoking! And then there is always Naomi Watts, another smoking chick… But unfortunately, when I am 50 they will no longer be hotties, they will get replaced with the future Dakota Fanning’s (not being creepy here, but she is just the cutest little girl, reminds me of my little girl!) of the universe. The upshot… These hottie lists or favorite songs or favorite TV Shows all require work because they fucking change. Man I am way too fucking lazy for that shit. I like things simple. My hottie list consists of only Mimi, that way I cannot ever get in trouble for lusting over some other hottie and it never changes!
Now to be just as hypocritical as Jimmy Swaggart in a brothel I do think I might present you with some lines from movies I think that are funny. But I refuse to characterize this as a list. There will be no numbers, you will hopefully laugh your ass off or at least snicker or chuckle reading these lines. If you don’t then I apologize ahead of time. My sense of humor is a bit dark to say the least, I mean not many people find it funny when a guy gets his head blown off cause they hit a bump in the road even though there was no mutherfucking bump in the road, and the gun just went off… you know what I mean? That is some sick shit when one thinks that is funny, but I do, and I know Mimi does. So there are at least two of us in the world who have some seriously fucked up humor.
Some Funny Lines…
Vincent: I-I gotta stab her three times? Lance: No, you don't gotta fucking stab her three times! You gotta stab her once, but it's gotta be hard enough to break through her breastplate into her heart, and then once you do that, you press down on the plunger. Vincent: What happens after that? Lance: I'm kinda curious about that myself.
_
Chili Palmer: Whew, this movie business is tough. I might just have to go back to loan-sharking for a while to get some vacation.
_
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer] Hawkeye Pierce: I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini? Trapper John: A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini. Hawkeye Pierce: [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini. [to Trapper] Hawkeye Pierce: I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry. [sips from his glass] Trapper John: Don't you guys use olives? Duke Forrest: Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man? Hawkeye Pierce: We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line. Trapper John: Yeah but without olives, [reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives - drops one into his glass] Trapper John: a martini just doesn't quite make it. [Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded at the olive]
_
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on. Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this... Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like. Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work. Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires. Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference. Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
_
Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. What the hell's you're problem? Dante Hicks: This life. Randal Graves: This life? Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life? Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better. Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks. Randal Graves: 37
_
Happy Gilmore: You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!
_
[Discussing Vanessa's new senior citizen boyfriend] Vanessa: He has a five year plan. Sonny: What is it? "Don't die"?
_
Ok, so like I said, this is not a list but a few funny scenes from some of my favorite comedies. This is only a sampling of my favorites because I have so many, and there is no ranking, I just pulled these lines as I thought of the movies and the scenes.
So my hopes here are that at the very least you had a chuckle. I purposely did not tell you the movie because you should know which movies they are already (that is rather presumptuous of me and the fact I did not give you the titles already makes me an elitist pretentious movie snob) and if you do not, then you will have something to research and maybe some funny movies to watch. More than likely, if you are reading this blog, you will know the movies and already have the capacity for my brand of humor so there will be no researching for you! I also hope this will give you a break from all my ranting because in fact, I had nothing to rant about last night. I could have come up with a few things, but I wanted to go down the track of humor, especially since Mimi was quite generous last evening before I came into work and I was able to help live out, in part, her blog entry from earlier in the day.
She did end up with cum on her faces and chin and chest…. Gotta love a woman who likes that!
posted by Just Call Me Jay at 8:33 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home